Breathing
by wingsofcosmos
Summary: In which Remus was fast enough to push Sirius away from Bellatrix's curse, and they eventually have a talk about what could've happened if that were not the case. Third in the 'Per Aspera Ad Astra' series.


**This is the third part of the 'Per Aspera Ad Astra' series, and it diverges from canon quite a bit, since Sirius lives. I'm sure the other parts will come soon, I think there will be another three or four fics before the series itself will be finished. But anyway, I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

It had all went so fast, so much that Sirius could barely do anything as Remus had apparated him away from the entirety of the battle.

Honestly, Sirius was extremely thankful that Remus was there, because if that were not the case, Sirius might not have been pushed away from Bellatrix's curse—he might not have lived. And what would've happened then? Sirius quite honestly didn't want to think about it.

But apparently he would have to, because Remus had this look in his eyes that meant they were about to have a talk, and Sirius would rather it not happen at all. But it was going to happen anyway, whether he liked it or not, right in the drawing room of Grimmauld Place, in front of a lit fire, just the two of them.

"Look," Sirius said, breaking the silence between them. He was tense, the both of them were, but that was to be expected, given the situation. "I know what you're going to say; I was irresponsible, I could've gotten hurt, I could've died. I really don't need you to tell me that."

"But that's just the thing, Sirius," Remus said, his voice tense, and took a step closer. "You were in danger of falling into that veil if I wasn't there to push you away from Bellatrix's curse. You could've died. Why didn't you just stay here like I told you?"

There was small crack in Remus' voice when his said those words—when he said Sirius could have died. Sirius tried to ignore the small pang in his heart when he heard it, tried with all his might, but in the end he couldn't. He never could with Remus.

"Do you think I was actually going to stay here while you all are out there fighting death eaters? I don't want to be anymore useless than I am, Remus. I get enough shit here about my uselessness, I don't want it to keep on going," Sirius said intensely, but his eyes did soften somewhat slightly. "If I just helped out then maybe people will think that I have more use to the Order than just giving them this place."

He gestured to the room around Remus and himself, the dark colour of the walls reflecting the bright glow of the flickering fire. The rest of the Grimmauld Place was much the same; dark and dreary, probably a curse within the walls somewhere, knowing the Blacks, exhibiting a depressing atmosphere that would quite honestly damper anyone's mood.

It was better than Azkaban by just the smallest of margins, because at least there were no dementors. But there was the portrait of Walburga Black, so, really, what was the difference? To Sirius, they were just as bad as each other.

"Sirius," Remus said quietly, his scarred face softening at Sirius' words.

"And do you think I was going to stay here when I knew Harry was in danger?" Sirius argued. "You of all people know that I will do anything for him, and I had to go there to make sure he was okay. I didn't want him to be in any danger."

"Sirius," Remus said as he moved closer to take Sirius' hands in his. "I know you love Harry, I do, and I'm glad you care so much for him, and I also know you feel useless, but I wish you didn't, because you have done much more for me than you think," he paused, and took a deep breath. "But I could've lost you tonight, Harry could've lost you tonight, and I didn't want that to happen. I didn't want to lose you again."

There was something in Remus' eyes that made Sirius want to cry, and really, he might do just that if he couldn't control himself any longer.

"Remus," Sirius whispered, and stood there quietly for a moment. Remus was right, he could have lost Sirius, and Harry could have lost him as well. He knew he might have died if it weren't for Remus, of course he did, he wasn't oblivious to the fact, and he knew Remus wasn't either. Truly, Sirius loved that man. Before he could even think about it, Sirius pulled Remus into a loving embrace. "I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry, Remus."

And wasn't he? Sirius wasn't able to comprehend the scare he gave Remus tonight, and he hoped he never will. What had happened earlier, Sirius hoped will never be repeated, not wanting to go through the emotional unrest, not wanting someone else to die if were to happen once more.

"I know, Sirius, I know. I'm sorry, too," Remus said, and returned Sirius' embrace.

"What for? You have nothing to be sorry about," Sirius said into Remus' shoulder.

"I should have been there for you more. You were stuck here, and you were suffering alone, and I don't want you to suffer anymore than you already have," Remus said, softly rubbing circles on Sirius' back. "I know you were justified in going there, to the battle, and don't feel like you weren't, but I'm sorry that I wasn't there enough to make you feel safe, and to make you feel confident in all of us for you stay here while we were all out there."

"It didn't matter, I would've gone anyway," Sirius said lowly. "And you were with the werewolves, you were doing things for the Order, and that's more important than me," Sirius continued with a tinge of sadness in his voice, but was comforted by Remus' touch nonetheless.

"It is important, but you are, too, Sirius. I will be more there for you," Remus said as he pulled back from the embrace. He gently cupped Sirius' face with both hands, and Sirius couldn't help but lean into Remus' touch. "I love you, Sirius, and I don't want you to hurt anymore."

Sirius smiled softly, and ignored the tears that had begun to well up in his eyes. Despite what Remus had said, he had been there for Sirius plenty, much more than anyone else had been the last year. And he had been doing missions for the Order, which had always come first, especially during times like these, but the fact that Remus thought he wasn't there for Sirius as much as he should've been was beyond Sirius' understanding.

Remus was there when Sirius needed him the most, and that was all that mattered.

As Sirius pulled Remus towards him, he locked his arms around Remus' neck, and moved so his lips connected with Remus' in a loving, ardent kiss. After a long moment, they pulled away just slightly, and Sirius looked up to meet Remus' eyes. "I love you, too, I always will."

"Forever," Remus smiled.

"Forever."

They stood there in a comfortable silence, in each other's arms surrounded by the warm glow of the flickering fire next to them, and tried not to think of the horrors that will eventually come, merely wanting to be in one another's arms for as long as they could. Now was not the time for the depressing thoughts of the near future; now was the time to be relieved that they were alive, and as healthy as they could be.

And later, when they moved up to Sirius' room, tired after the events of today, and relaxed on the bed, they continued to be embraced in each other's arms, content for the time being.


End file.
